What do I believe in?

I grew up in a very christian household, my grandfather was a minister in the church. I was baptised and confirmed in the Uniting. My whole life revolved around the church. I made a lot of friends and I did a lot.
As I got older I became more disillusioned by the whole idea of church. It may have been the church that I was attending, I am not sure.
It wasn't until I left the church for a couple of years to come back and to have been forgotten. There were so many new people and I no longer felt welcome in a place that I thought of as a retreat, a place of real spirituality.
I lost hope in the church and the idea of being told what and how I should believe it.
Since being in the UK I have learnt a great deal about myself and what I can achieve. I have an amazing inner strength and power that guides me. When I connect to that power and the power within everyone that I feel like I belong. Everyone and everything is connected. When something happens in one place it affects another. When we are connected we are at our strongest.
I am learning to connect with the world as a whole not just through some God that will one day judge me for everything that I have ever done. I connect with Love.
That is what I believe in!

Bron's Accessories

My website www.bronsaccessories.com is finally up and running.
I am so excited, happy and relieved that is up and working. This site has been almost a year in the making and finishing it is a real accomplishment for me. I wasn't sure if I would ever finish it. Now I am in the process of advertising it. Printing leaflets and posting them. Then hoping that people will buy the things I have made. So I am a little nervous about it, but who knows where this might go. Yay!

Success Intelligence and being happy!

Things are pretty good. I am not feeling so homesick now which is good so am planning on staying for maybe a couple more years.
I want to use this year to grow. I have so much growth yet to do. I am studying the Enneagram (a personality typing based in spiritual growth) which all of us at work are working through though everyone else at work has been doing it a lot longer than me. Sometimes it feels I am so far behind everyone, but I only came to this 6 months ago, they have been studying this for years. But I am finding it an amazing way to grow.
I also have a plan to go to Kenya this year an do some volunteer work in an orphange. I don't want to puch myself too much because I can get overwhelmed really easily. I am also doing my CBT as well. So I continue on my journey to see where I am headed.
My boss Robert Holden has just release his new website www.robertholden.org It is a really great site and gives a fantastic introduction to him and his work. It is a great time to be where I am and I would like to be here for as long as I can.

Walkabout

I am feeling unsettled at the moment. I don't know whether that means that it is time for me to go back to Australia or whether I move somewhere new.
This year feels like it should be a new year full of change and going beyond the comfort zone. But I just feel a little lost. This year I have so many choices with my visa coming to an end and I just don't know what to do.
I am trying to find some guidance but it just doesn't seem to come and I am not sure what to do. Everyone tells me to do what feels right, but I don't know what feels right. I just feel like giving everything up and going on a walkabout to figure out what to do.
I love my job and helping people and I am going on a real journey with them. But I am feeling a little homesick and miss everyone back home. It is so hard to find someone to share my life with. I have been on lots of dates but nothing. Though even going home may not be any better.
If I do go home I have to start my life all over again. I don't know if I want to do that again.
That would be the same if I went some where else. I just don't know where and do what.
I am feeling confused and just so unsure of where to go and what to do. I do know that my parents will tell me to come home.

Christmas

I had a pretty good Christmas. I spent Christmas and Boxing Day with my flatmates family. It was nice to spend Christmas with a child. My flatmate has a 5 year old niece. She was so excited and ripping into the presents. It made Christmas a lot more fun. I ended up with quite a few little bits and pieces which was pretty cool. But I ate way too much, and lots of Turkey.
Yesterday I rode to Hampton Court Palace and back again. It was a beautiful day riding along the river. But I am a little sore today. Well worth it.
Now I am looking forward to the new year. I am spending New Years eve at a friends place and making our own pizzas which should be quite fun and then watch the fireworks on the tv.

Thoughts and changes

I have a lot of time to myself this weekend and I have been usint it wisely. Not only reading, but also spending time thinking about my life and who I am. What do I want to do, who do I want to be?
I have been planning what I want to do next year. It has been a pretty productive time and I am really looking forward to starting a new year.
The last couple of yeasr have been pretty hard and a real roller coaster ride. I am now looking forward to the new year and what will happen. Although I have plans I also realise that life will often throw things at us and turn us around. But that is the exciting thing isn't it, wondering what will happen next.
My biggest goal for next year is improving my mental health. I have spent time so far this year on it and next year will be fantastic. I have never been so excited about starting a new year.

ill

I am not a big fan of being sick, but I know that it is the body's way of telling me to stop and slow down. Get some rest. Which is exactly what I am doing this weekend. Spending time in bed and catching up on my reading which is great because I have a masive pile of books to read and it just keeps getting bigger.

It does mean however that I can't go out carol singing tonight. I was going in to Waterloo train station with some friends to sing and try and raise money for an orphanage in Kenya. The same one I am hoping to spend some time at next year. I even bought Christmas earrings and a hat for the occasion.

It has given me the chance to finish Hillary Clintons autobiography, Living History. She speaks quite candidly about her husbands infidelity and the struggle she went through at that time. I find her an amazingly strong woman with very clear beliefs that she will not waiver on. A woman that I can really admire. Politics is not something I want to do, but her strength and conviction shows me that I can do anything.

2009

2008 is coming to a close and it is at this time that I start to think about next year.
I always said that there was so much I wanted to do before I turned 30 and that will happen next year. While my close friends are married, some with children I am still single and at this stage am not ready for all of that.
I feel that a change is coming for me next year and I am excited about what that will be. I do not see myself returning to Australia any time soon. I am not ready to do that yet. But do I want to stay in the UK or go somewhere else.
I have no idea what is in store for me next year, but that won't stop me from enjoying the ride.

Its goooooood

Well I have to say that I am feeling pretty good. Very much looking forward to my Christmas break. I am having two weeks off which will be great. I have a stack of books I want to read and start my work on the Enneagram.
I am going to be using my two weeks to look at 2009 and some things that I really want to achieve. One plan I have is to do some volunteer work at an orphange in Kenya that our company donates money to and tries to support. One of our directors has very close links and many friends there. Going to Africa to do some volunteering is something I have thought about doing and the fact that I have a connection to this place would be great. I am sure that many people will warn me from going because of dangers and stuff. But next year I am going to be embarking on a personal journey and this is one step that I really want to take.
I am also going to stop going to the gym for awhile until I have paid off more of my debts and really build up my savings. I am buying my flatmates bike this week which will make up for it, plus I have a cross trainer which will be fun.
I am looking forward to a whole new journey next year and I am really excited about the journey ahead. Who knows where it will take me, but that is the exciting part.
Merry Christmas!

Enneagram

I have recently been learning about this thing called the Enneagram. It is a personality based test, kind of like the Myers Briggs one.
But this one is based on spirituality. It is an amazing discover for me and it is used widely in the work that my company does. So we talk about it pretty much everyday.
There are 9 personality types. Each type then has wings that reveal another part of your personality. It describes healthy, average and unhealthy levels of each personality type as well. This is the part that I am finding the most interesting and helpful. It is adding to what I am going through with my depression. By using the Enneagram alongside CBT is making a real difference. My personality type is listed as the individualist. Pretty scary how accurate it is, especially when I look at the unhealthy levels and know that I have been. The Enneagram also talks about ways of moving out of the unhealthy levels back to the healthy ones.
For anyone who loves learning about personalities or getting a better insight into yourself (or those closest to you) I highly recommend the Enneagram. The Enneagram Institute based in America also runs a numerous amount of courses on the Enneagram to different degrees. I am thinking about undertaking some training there myself.
One day I would love to be able to run workshops myself and all the healing and learning I am undertaking takes me that little bit closer to the place I want to be in.

Update

It has been a couple of weeks since my last entry (duly noted).
Things are going really well. I am at a place where I am really open to learning these new techniques which has really helped. I am using a website called Living Life to the Full. It has been created by the NHS in Scotland and is completely free.
I have learnt some techniques for sleeping better and changing my thinking patterns. The biggest thing for me is sleeping better. Although I have been taking sleeping tablets, I have come off them now using natural techniques to help me sleep and the last three nights have been good nights sleep.
I highly recommend this site and these techniques. But remember you need to be open to this process to really want to get better.
I am hoping to start some one to one sessions as well. I have to wait until an NHS psychologist is available. This is for me to work through stuff that is always in my head and I need to get out and deal with in order to really get better and stop using the medication.
I am feeling really excited about the process that I am going through. Will definitely keep you posted.
I also want to thank everyone and their support, it is really appreciated.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Tomorrow I am being assessed by the NHS Primary Care Trust. There is a section that focuses on mental health.
Hopefully this will help me and the way that I think. I can be quite negative, mostly to myself. The saying 'You are your own worst enemy' can be very true, especially for someone who like me can easily think the worst of everything. Things can get really hard for me and this is the next step in getting better and being able to come off the drugs completely one day. Not thinking too far ahead yet, I still have a very long way to go.
Some days are better than others, generally more better days.
I had the week off last week from work. It was nice but I pretty much spent the whole time sleeping. One of the joyous symptoms of depression along with some memory loss. Not fun when I forget things at work. Such little things and people don't realise that these 'symptoms' are misdiagnosed. I never associated all the things (I learnt some of them in a seminary I attended last week) with me, but there you go.
I can only go up and that is where I plan on going.

Check up

Went to the doctors yesterday for a check up. Doing ok, though not as well as I had hoped. The doctor has increased my dosage and given me some sleeping tablets. The last couple of months I have not been sleeping well and spend the whole day yawning and wishing I was back in bed. I have to say I have a much deeper sleep, but it has only been one night and I am not feeling better rested yet.
I was disappointed that I had to my doseage increased, but my doctor is really positive and wants me to focus on just getting better to start with and then look at long term solutions. He thinks I am trying to do much all at once to get better when I should be taking one step at a time. I guess that is just the way I am. But I am learning to slow down a bit and take things one step at a time.
This time it feels like I have to work harder. But this time I know it is about me. I am not getting better because I want to be better for someone else, I want to get better for me.

Church

I went to church yesterday. The first time in a very long time. It felt good, though there were quite a few older people so I did feel a little odd, but it felt normal being there. I have felt pretty spiritually dry recently so that was the main reason for going. The sermon was Out of Bondage. You may be at liberty but are you free. I found it really good especially where I am at the moment. I am feeling a little lost and wondering whether I am free. I am feeling a lot better since I have been back on my anti-depressants as well as joining the gym. But there is something missing as well. Not sure if I need stronger medication, but I will be seeing the doctor again next week for a check up. Plus I have been feeling tired a lot recently. I am eating really well and getting lots of sleep, but still feeling tired. Another thing to talk to the doctor about. I am tired of being tired, yawning all day is not fun.

Fear

Fear cna be such a paralising thing. I have been reading a book called Why is God Laughing? by Deepak Chopra. It is a wonderful and enlightening book about a comedian whose father dies and he goes on a journey to find himself and find true happiness. It is written very well and easy to follow.
But are we ready to give up Fear, our Ego and our Addiction to our past. In order to be free and truly happy we have to give them up. If it makes us happy why do we find it so hard to give them up?

The Gym

Today was my first session back at the gym. I am going to a new gym, no more pole dancing. But this gym has a pool instead.
Today was my introduction and the first part of my program was put together, just cardio for now. It feels different this time. I think because I am doing it for me and just me. Not because I want to impress anyone and it isn't for anyone. It is for me so that I can get better.
I feel pretty good after my first session, even if it didn't go for a long time. I also want to combine some aerobic classes with my program.
I have a goal of getting back to 60kgs by the time I go back to Oz for a holiday. So plenty of time to get there, no rush.

Good day

Today was a good day.
I went and joined the gym today. I feel prety for joining, now I just have to go. They have a program with the instructors that check up on you every month, so I will be accountable to someone which means it will more likely work.
I have to keep up the good work and I will get better. I am looking forward to the process of getting better.

The pursuit of happiness

What can make us happy?
It is something that I am grappling with recently.
So I have decided to document my progress in happiness.
I have started my medication today and I want to be better. So by telling others how I am going through this journey then maybe I can help others.
I am good.
My afternoon at work was great. I was aware and motivated to work. I had things to be done and I got them done.
I had dates scheduled and I cancelled them. It is time I thought about me and my progress.
I am not a naturally happy person and I want to be.
I hope if anyone reads this and it helps them then I know what I am going through was worth it.

Back to the Future

Well what can I say.
After some serious reflecting and a really long chat with mum, I made an appointment with my doctor. Things have not been quite right for a few weeks.
I went to the doctors and I am back on my anti-depressants. I feel a little like I am admiting defeat. But it was the right thing. I needed something to give me a kick to get better again. I don't like that I need drugs to make me feel better. But it is funny that when I am on my anti-depressants I feel great, I feel human and I can function in the world.
I am feeling better and lets hope this time it will stick.

Self Reflection part 2

Well it was a long weekend, but amazing.
Things have been pretty off for me recently and after a couple of conversations with people I have decided to go back to the doctor and look at going back on my anti-depressants. Not something I want to do, feels a bit like admitting defeat, but it is also admitting I need help.
Thinking about all kinds of stuff is pretty scary but it certainly helped me see a few things a lot clearer which was really great. It has given me a point to start on the recovery again.
When I went to work, my boss asked how things were and how I was feeling. It was good we had a bit of a chat, but it feels a lot like he is trying to figure me out and I don't think I want him to figure me out. He also wants to try and solve all my problems. I hate that. I just like to get things off my chest. It is such a boy thing to try and solve.
But working where I do has meant that I have a lot of support and hopefully this time round I will be successful in increasing my happiness, etc.